Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Incident In The Bookstore

Well, today was quite interesting.
My cousin, mother, aunt, and myself all took a trip to our local bookstore in hopes of finding something tempting to our imaginations. We were successful, but we had an incident along the way. My cousin, Stacy, and I were standing in a bargain books section, giggling over one of those toilet trivia books. A man standing nearby overheard us and commented on the fact that people in France have unisex bathrooms. We smiled politely and nodded. He proceeded to tell us further about unisex bathrooms around the world, then introduced himself as Kevin. Kevin the mentioned that he had once been to New York and had seen a woman in the men's bathroom. Not much of an incident so far, hmm? Well, it gets wonderfully twisted now. Kevin then suggested that Stacy use a men's bathroom sometime, just to "liberate" herself or something like that. She smiled, and said, "I'll have to do that." Kevin grinned and nodded, "Hey, you could even use the bathroom here! Just make sure you tell me first so I can see it." He swept a lingering look over Stacy, the kind that said he was mentally undressing her. I nearly whacked him in the crotch for that one. Then he ran the same look over me. I almost screamed, kicked, and ran for that, but proper upbringing(darn you!) held me back. Stacy just laughed. He said it a few more times then moved away. Stacy looked at me and said, "Hey, where was that book you were looking for?" I fumbled a bit: "Uhm, I don't remember, but I think it was this way." As soon as we were out of Kevin's sight, we practically ran to the back of the store and hid in the romance section, all the while discussing how creepy this whole thing was. We were glancing through some of the books when suddenly Kevin appeared again! We were really freaked by this time, and Stacy once again used her nack for tact: " So where was that book?" I didn't falter this time. I moved away, to the opposite end of the row as Kevin. "Uhm, I can't remember, but I think it was this way." We were out of his sight once more, and we headed for the coffee area this time. We found our mothers but told them nothing of our situation. We merely purchased some coffee and sat at a table behind them. We were undisturbed for a few seconds, but then Stacy spotted Kevin walking past. For the next 15 minutes Stacy watched as Kevin moved about, selecting stationary spots where he was out of the way, but could still see us. After a while, Stacy and I were officially frightened. We told our mothers what was going on, then went to make our purchases with Stacy's pepper spray close at hand in her pocket. Kevin passed by us one last time as we were checking out, and then we were gone and free of him.
I hope you go to prison, Kevin.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Post-Holiday Shopping

Ok, so you've heard many people complain about post-holiday shopping, and you've also heard lots of people who like it. You're just not sure what to think. Never fear, I am here to save you from lots of contemplating. I have the solution: go in the afternoon. Most people get up early to get all the stuff first, but I've found that you can go in the afternoon/evening and still get just about everything you want. Sure it looks like a hurricaine ripped through the Wal-Mart clearance aisle, but there's still quite a bit there. You just have to dig a bit. But trust me, the digging is worth the effort when everything goes back to regular price in 2 days. And hey, even if you get something and you don't use it, you most definitely know someone who can use it. This is just one of many of the Laws of Shopping we women learn over the years. You men don't have to do much. Just hand over the credit card, wait for us to come back, and maybe cry a little when you see all the bags. But don't worry honey: I got it at half price!!!!!!

The Way It Should Be

Life is not fair. It never has been. It probably never will be. But this is how it should be:
When you get up in the morning, there should be sunshine and birds chirping and all that crap.
You shouldn't ever have to change the batteries in anything.
People won't cut you off or flip you the bird when you get on the freeway.
Your boss should always give you a raise and tell you how good you're doing.
Your kids should discipline and feed themselves.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend will always love what you get them.
Your parents will never be mad at you because you just don't screw up that much.
Dieting should be outlawed.

Just how it should, could, would be. . .

Monday, December 18, 2006


Holidays suck. All the rushing around, buying stuff for people you don't like, dorky decorations. I need to find somewhere where they don't celebrate any of this. Maybe Siberia. . . .

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Love and Death

What time the mighty moon was gathering light
Love paced the thymy plots of Paradise,
And all about him roll'd his lustrous eyes;
When, turning round a cassia, full in view
Death, walking all alone beneath a yew,
And talking to himself, first met his sight:
"You must begone," said Death, "these walks are mine."
Love wept and spread his sheeny vans for flight;
Yet ere he parted said, "This hour is thine:
Thou art the shadow of life, and as the tree
Stands in the sun and shadows all beneath,
So in the light of great eternity
Life eminent creates the shade of death;
The shadow passeth when the tree shall fall,
But I shall reign forever over all."

~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Friday, October 13, 2006


Classmates. The people you grow up with. The people you laugh at. The people you hang out with. The people you love to hate. There's always that one person you just can't stand. That one person who seems to be the thorn in everybody's side. Occasionally you feel a bit of sympathy for this person, but it never seems to last more than a second or two. The things they do? Oh, the things they do. Let's say that this person is a male. Let's call him Chad. Chad is not the smartest person, and you were at first more than willing to over look that. But Chad is constantly reminding you of this in those exact words. Then there's gym class. Chad would be a pleasant classmate if he didn't treat his fellow slaves as if they were linebackers on the opposing team. Chad often is running over them(please note: they have no padding) and hitting them, occasionally kicking them and often smacking up against them so that his excess of sweat rubs off on them. That would be the other and final thing about Chad. He has some issues with personal heigene. Note to Chad: soap is good. Soap is our friend. We love soap. And the washer can be used by someone without breasts. It's ok to do laundry. It actually attracts women when men do laundry. Or comb their hair. Or wear deoderant. Just a suggestion or two. Chad also has horrible pickup lines and needs to learn that you can't just ask a classmate out without a bit of sucking up. Let's face it, everyone has to play the suck-up at one point or another. Just another truth in the vicious circle of life. So, if Chad ever happens to read this, hopefully he will take this advice to heart. It just might make his existence a bit more bearable.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Why Why Why

Why why why? That is my question for you today. Why do things always happen at the most inconvenient time? Imagine this: it's time for your shower. Ah, the shower! That wonderful, soothing, relaxing, replenishing place. You've been looking forward to this shower all day long, and finally it's here! You make the proper adjustments to the water temperature(a little left, wiggle the hot knob a bit, press down on the cold. . .), you put everything in its proper place, and finally, you step in. Now you just stand for a bit, allowing the billowing steam to wash away the physical stresses and tensions of the day. Then you whip out the shaving cream and lather up those spikey legs. You're immensly enjoying your shower and you've just finished with the last leg and are about to rinse when you hear these chilling words: "Amber!!!! Turn off the shower!!!!" You quickly respond in accordance and hollar back, inquiring as to what's going on? Then your mother informs you that the hot water heater is precariously leaning outside its confinement and that there is no water presently. You accept this with an exasperated sigh and settle down for the wait. After time and banging around outside the house, the phone rings unexpectedly(why tonight of all nights??). You yell out a warning, are unanswered, and so haul yourself out to answer the call. While you are on the phone, your mother rushes in and orders you to "help me hold on to this rope". You grab ahold and get a grip that you feel would put any man to shame. After a bit, your fingers turn gray from lack of blood, and finally your father comes in to drill the rope to the wall in order to hold the water heater up. Finally it is all over. But wait! You cannot finish this your beloved shower because the meager amount of existing hot water must be reserved for your sweaty father. And so, the next day, you get up, run a comb through your greasy-looking, toothpaste-feeling hair and head in to school to explain why you look so humiliatingly awful.
There is a moral to this story:
Never put off until tomorrow what you can wash today!!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Benefits of Having a Brain

I have discovered that there are several benefits to having a brain, and I have decided to list a few of them for your knowledge.
When you have a brain:
1) You remember your user name and password to the blog you created about 5 months ago and haven't updated since.
2) People won't have to ask you annoying things like "Why didn't you think of it?" because you have, in fact, thought of it.
3) You can pass REVIEW tests with more than a 68%.
4) You have time to do chores and clean your room and watch tv and keep up with a social life and correspondance.
5) You remember where you hid your chapstick. . .

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Obsession or Passion

Is it obsession
To want something
So badly you would
Go to the ends of
The earth to get it?

I think not.

Is it obsession
To feel something
So deeply you could
Cry every time you
Hear and think of it?

I think not.

I would not label
It as obsession.
I would label
It as passion.
Deep, pure