Sunday, May 11, 2008


Just so my reader knows, I've pretty much given up on finding love/romance/fooling around for the time being. Every time I get close or feel something, something happens to ruin it all. So I'm hopeless, for now. But someday my knight in shining whatever will come.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Life, Love, and the Turbulence Therein

Life can be a funny thing. Some times it's really great and you don't know how it got that way, but you love it anyhow. Other times, you're so confused and frustrated that you begin to wonder if there's any point to it all. But no matter what, you have to keep on living. Because the moment you give up on life is the moment that you betray yourself. I have come to learn this through so many not so wonderful experiences that can really break you down. But I've also learned that the key to surviving these experiences is to feel what you feel at that moment, in that time, and then just let it go and keep moving. That's really all you can do, because holding on to anger and hate and emotions of the like does nothing but give you a sour expression and constapation. Trust me, I've seen it.
There's another funny thing that goes along with life. It's called love. I don't know a whole lot about true or even fleeting love firsthand, but there is one love that I know plenty about. It's unrequited, or unreturned, love. That's the sucky kind. I've been there and done that. There are only three guys I've ever really fallen for. The first is one whom, I still believe to this day, was probably my best match. But right at the exact moment when I was going to drop my guard and bear all, he pulled out a dagger and unknowingly sliced my heart open: he told me he was in love with my friend. Ouch. They're still together, and if he ever by any slim chance decided to dump her and ask me out, I'd accept without question.
The second guy was an almost identical situation. I'd known him for a while, and had some strong feelings that I decided must be for him. I was thiiiiis close to once again expressing myself when he told me alll about this girl he really liked. Ouch for the second time. But, I later realized that us being an item wouldn't have worked so well. We were just too close as friends.
The third guy was actually more of a case of severe lust than love. He was amazing, gorgeous, sexy, the best-looking guy I'd ever seen in real life. We didn't talk a whole lot, but whenever we did, I'd get so nervous that I would just clam up and say almost nothing. Yay for me. However, I entertained thoughts of us dating, and it was a pleasant time for me, regardless of my lack of social charisma. That is, it was pleasant until I saw him making out with another girl. That was dream-crushing at it's finest. After a while, I decided that he and I wouldn't have worked out either. Such is life.
So now I'm wondering, was that it? Was that my 'three times the charm'?It's hard to tell what the rules are on the three times thing. Does it only count if you actually dated? Did you have to be engaged? Or is it very possibly just some stupid phrase that you should ignore? Who knows. One such as me can only hope that love has not yet given up on this quiet soul. For that indeed would be a tragedy of life.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


Fallen star
Child of the night
Lover of the sky
Shard of broken hearts
Hiding tears
Blood scourer
Come, let me be free

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Art, Redefined

I have come to the personal realization that whatever you do that you love is art.
I always considered myself an amateur artist, since I do my best to express myself through writing. I have dabbled in painting and drawing a bit, but I'm not as talented as I'd like to be, so I stick to writing. For the longest time I considered this to be true art, and that it was, indeed, the ONLY art. I was also under the impression that not everyone was artistic. How very very wrong I have been, for art is all around me, and everyone has the talent for it.
My mom loves to quilt. Now, given, this is basically already considered an art form. But when you sit down and look at all that she does, it's truly amazing. In the case of a hand-made quilt, every single stitch is laid out with such careful precision that it makes me antsy just watching. Those women who quilt are most nearly the most patient women in the world. Hats off to you.
My father, on the other hand, loves to hunt and fish. Now, silly me, I always thought that this was just some random little hobby. How wrong I was. When you sit down with someone like my dad, someone who really, truly knows and loves what he's talking about, you learn that fishing is, in fact, an art form. In it's own way, that is. I was talking with him tonight and somehow the conversation turned to fishing. He started out telling me what an idiot my cousin was, and in the process he let me in on some of the little tips he had learned. For example, a spoon that flops back and forth is less effective than the ones that spin when you reel. And don't worry if you didn't understand that, it's not common knowledge. My point is that to him, it's not just throwing the line and catching the fish. For him, it's all about figuring out what the fish like and don't like; finding out where they bed, what kind of weather they like, what lures are more effective and what times of day are better to go out. The effort that he puts into it astounds me.
It is because of this that I have come to realize that art is no longer confined to merely writing, painting, dancing, acting. Art has now reached across the world and become a universal word. Well, it has to me anyway. Art is no longer the aforementioned acts. Now it is simply what you love and what you do. Art is, essentially, you. It is your expression of your self.
Art is the soul.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

No Air

There's a song by Jordin Sparks called 'No Air', and my favorite part of it goes like this:

But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air

If I had a dollar for every time I felt this way, I'd be able to pay my way to college, no sweat.
The fact is, I feel somewhat like I've lived half my life with no air. I consider myself to be a creative soul, someone who appreciates good writing and art, and living where I do, I feel very deprived of the latter. This area is devoid of most types of cultured living, and the majority of it's residents don't seem to mind. Except for this one.
I have that inexplicable desire to run away and live in a sleepy little hamlet in France, or go to New York and learn to appraise art. I want so much more than what I have here, but I don't know how to get it.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life. I know that, and I am extremely grateful for it, but when I look into the future, there is this frighteningly real image of me being 27, married to some guy, with 3 kids and no real life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, not at all, but I just don't want that for me. I want a chance to live my own life before I devote it to someone else.
But I also don't want to live my life alone. I've been alone for my whole life, in a way that most people aren't. I've never had that bond of brother- or sister-hood, never had that friend who was so close that they were practically a sibling. Hell, I've never even had a pet that close. I've found a few people now who are amazing at making me feel not alone (holla my hoho), but at the end of the day there's still that sickening, gnawing feeling that I will have to wake up tomorrow and face the world entirely alone. I'm ready for that to change.
I guess all that I'm saying here is that I'm feeling particularly trapped right now. I feel that I'm drowning in this place I've called home, but I'm so afraid to leave that I'm paralyzed. I have the life support, but I need to unplug it. I need to breathe.

Monday, February 11, 2008


I have just spent the last hour or so watching videos of Robin Williams, Matt Damon, and Angelina Jolie in interviews, and when I got on here I didn't really know what to talk about until I realized my subject had been rolling across my computer screen most of the day: actors.
I will first say that I love movies. The concept of taking an idea, a mental image and transforming it into real, live actions that can be shared with the world absolutely fascinates me. I also love actors, and would love to have their lives. I don't think people realize what a true actor is anymore. They see half-assed acting done by such disasters as Sylvester Stallone or Ashley Tisdale and think, "Wow! What a great actor!" simply because that is what society and media has told them to think. Meanwhile, true actors like Christian Bale, Kate Winslet, and Matt Damon recieve only hlaf or less of the recognition they truly deserve. The reason they are true actors is not a hard one to process or recognize: they make a role believable.
Christian Bale took on one of the biggest franchises in pop culture history: Batman. He took it on, conquered it, and somehow managed to show us Batman in an entirely new light. Before him, we all thought of Batman as a childhood superhero, a dude in a costume. But Bale took Batman and made him something more: he made him human. He got inside the mind and emotions of Bruce Wayne and created a human being, a man struggling with his past and trying to figure out what to do with his future. A man in love. A man who had to face impossible odds and overcome his own fears simply to realize what life was really about. In my opinion, Christian Bale should have taken home dozens of awards for this. But somehow, Batman Begins came and went, flying by sort of unnoticed by people in general. Shame, shame.
Then you have people like the cast of High School Musical, kids barely out of training bras and braces, and possessing very little true acting talent, who are hailed as great actors and are taken seriously by almost everyone. This sickens me. Those kids don't deserve that. They deserve to work for it, to put effort into it. Not to just have things handed to them on golden platters simply because they look good. The worst part of it is that esteemed people, actors and critics alike, who know the treachery that is being committed, give them pats on the back and indulge it without a word of criticism. They, who are in the position to stop or correct these errors, they decide to simply ignore them and keep moving on. How like the world we live in. Ignore the problem, that will make it disappear.
But it never does. For who has risen in the wake of the High School Musical tsunami? Yes, that's right, bubble gum pop Barbie doll Miley Cyrus. But we won't go there, that's a whole other entry.
In simple conclusion of this blog, I beg all who read it to take a second look at your favorite actor, take the time to learn about them and find out if they really are true actors. There are true actors out there, but they are hiding, diamonds in the rough, waiting to be found and shown to the world. One can only hope that they're discovered before Miley becomes president.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Belated Introduction

I was reading my cousin's brand-new blog today (Watch This Story Unfold, see side link) and I realized that I never really introduced myself(not that I actually believe people read this). My pseudonym is Nikki J., and since this blog is used primarily for my creative outlet, I thought it appropriate to use a false name and no others.
I won't disclose many other personal details about myself since I like to allow my readers an unbiased opinion about me. I will say that I have a very open mind, I'm willing to accept any and all as they are. I do my best not to form instant opinions about anything, and to not let physical appearances and images hinder my true view of something. I love books and writing, and I also have a true adoration for film and TV. I am fascinated by the idea of getting someone's mental images out of their head and onto a screen where everyone can see it. Film is truly an amazing form of art, and I think that it is often abused by people to simply make money. But I'm rambling here, back to business. More about me.
I'm generally a quiet person, although when in the right company, I have been know to lose it a bit. Only in the best sense of the phrase of course. I like to observe people and their habits, it helps me to better understand them. I am very reserved, but know that I am always willing to give opinion or advice, when asked. I try not to be one of those people who forces their opinions on everyone at the drop of a hat. Those kinds of people irritate me, as this is a very obnoxious and rude way to handle things.
I don't like a lot of gossip and drama. I like when people talk about things that matter to them rather than trivial stuff that will be forgotten in a day's time. People who make mountains out of molehills also irritate me.
I think that's pretty much it for now, if I think of something else I will certainly post it. If I have any readers, I hope you have gotten to know me a little better. And if I don't have any, then I am essentially talking to myself, a strangely comforting concept.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Five Minutes to Midnight

Well, it's not actually five minutes to midnight, but that's the song I'm listening to right now(by Boys Like Girls, they are amazering). I haven't been on here in forever, so a lot has happened. Nothing anyone wants to hear about, of course, so I'll just talk aimlessly about something completely pointless. Haha, just kidding. Lately I have become a music adventurer: I will listen to anything and everything. I have discovered some truely unique and enjoyable bands/artists, and I will give a small rundown and review of a few of them for your reading pleasure.

Ingrid Michaelson:
Fascinating artist, primarily indie, she has a soft voice but a quirky, interesting rhythm to most of her songs. She seems to be almost a blend of A Fine Frenzy and Fiest, having that lullaby-esque tone like Fiest but the heartfelt lyrics and piano of AFF.

The Weepies:
Also an indie group, very good. They have a gentle almost innocent quality to their music, focusing on gentle lyrics backed up by soothing instruments all tied in with lilting voices that seem to draw you in saying, "It's ok to be a kid again."

Yael Naim:
You're probably familiar with her song New Soul, which has been featured on the commercials for the Macbook Air. She has a very interesting voice, not particularly strong but with just enough of an accent to make it interesting. Her music is something akin to AFF but with more prominent guitar than piano. I will confess, I've only sampled a few of her songs, but I'm planning to get ahold of some more.

Minnie Driver:
A big surprise, a very appealing actress/singer. She has a very deep quality to her voice, and her lyrics are wonderfully poetic. If you are to check out any of her songs, let it be Beloved. Certainly one of her strongest.

Joss Stone:
The first time I heard her, I wasn't too impressed or excited. Then, when I went back and listened again, I came to thoroughly enjoy her deep, strong voice and wonderful bluesy quality. She is an artist I would categorize as a contemporary classic: she is definitely up to today's standards in more than one way, but her lyrics and style have a classic, jazzy feel to them that make you want to sing in the shower.

30 Seconds to Mars:
Yet another story of actor-turned-singer. But this one has a happy ending. Jared Leto on lead vocals has an amazing talent to take the lyrics that would just be so-so by some other band and make them truly amazing. His strong voice makes your soul fly and your throat tighten. The lyrics, under his strong control, cease being merely song and become true poetry. A very underrated band.

Boys Like Girls:
Also an underrated band, but I think their talent is slowly being realized. The composition of their lyrics combined with the instruments and strong lead singer make almost every song they sing perfect. My favorites so far: Thunder and their Frou Frou cover, Let Go. Definitely a band worth buying the cd for.

Well, that's as many bands/singers as I have the energy to review for now, I hope you found it helpful. I plan to update more often since I actually have some things to write about now, so expect more mindless drivel coming soon! Ta-ta!