Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Incident In The Bookstore

Well, today was quite interesting.
My cousin, mother, aunt, and myself all took a trip to our local bookstore in hopes of finding something tempting to our imaginations. We were successful, but we had an incident along the way. My cousin, Stacy, and I were standing in a bargain books section, giggling over one of those toilet trivia books. A man standing nearby overheard us and commented on the fact that people in France have unisex bathrooms. We smiled politely and nodded. He proceeded to tell us further about unisex bathrooms around the world, then introduced himself as Kevin. Kevin the mentioned that he had once been to New York and had seen a woman in the men's bathroom. Not much of an incident so far, hmm? Well, it gets wonderfully twisted now. Kevin then suggested that Stacy use a men's bathroom sometime, just to "liberate" herself or something like that. She smiled, and said, "I'll have to do that." Kevin grinned and nodded, "Hey, you could even use the bathroom here! Just make sure you tell me first so I can see it." He swept a lingering look over Stacy, the kind that said he was mentally undressing her. I nearly whacked him in the crotch for that one. Then he ran the same look over me. I almost screamed, kicked, and ran for that, but proper upbringing(darn you!) held me back. Stacy just laughed. He said it a few more times then moved away. Stacy looked at me and said, "Hey, where was that book you were looking for?" I fumbled a bit: "Uhm, I don't remember, but I think it was this way." As soon as we were out of Kevin's sight, we practically ran to the back of the store and hid in the romance section, all the while discussing how creepy this whole thing was. We were glancing through some of the books when suddenly Kevin appeared again! We were really freaked by this time, and Stacy once again used her nack for tact: " So where was that book?" I didn't falter this time. I moved away, to the opposite end of the row as Kevin. "Uhm, I can't remember, but I think it was this way." We were out of his sight once more, and we headed for the coffee area this time. We found our mothers but told them nothing of our situation. We merely purchased some coffee and sat at a table behind them. We were undisturbed for a few seconds, but then Stacy spotted Kevin walking past. For the next 15 minutes Stacy watched as Kevin moved about, selecting stationary spots where he was out of the way, but could still see us. After a while, Stacy and I were officially frightened. We told our mothers what was going on, then went to make our purchases with Stacy's pepper spray close at hand in her pocket. Kevin passed by us one last time as we were checking out, and then we were gone and free of him.
I hope you go to prison, Kevin.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Post-Holiday Shopping

Ok, so you've heard many people complain about post-holiday shopping, and you've also heard lots of people who like it. You're just not sure what to think. Never fear, I am here to save you from lots of contemplating. I have the solution: go in the afternoon. Most people get up early to get all the stuff first, but I've found that you can go in the afternoon/evening and still get just about everything you want. Sure it looks like a hurricaine ripped through the Wal-Mart clearance aisle, but there's still quite a bit there. You just have to dig a bit. But trust me, the digging is worth the effort when everything goes back to regular price in 2 days. And hey, even if you get something and you don't use it, you most definitely know someone who can use it. This is just one of many of the Laws of Shopping we women learn over the years. You men don't have to do much. Just hand over the credit card, wait for us to come back, and maybe cry a little when you see all the bags. But don't worry honey: I got it at half price!!!!!!

The Way It Should Be

Life is not fair. It never has been. It probably never will be. But this is how it should be:
When you get up in the morning, there should be sunshine and birds chirping and all that crap.
You shouldn't ever have to change the batteries in anything.
People won't cut you off or flip you the bird when you get on the freeway.
Your boss should always give you a raise and tell you how good you're doing.
Your kids should discipline and feed themselves.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend will always love what you get them.
Your parents will never be mad at you because you just don't screw up that much.
Dieting should be outlawed.

Just how it should, could, would be. . .

Monday, December 18, 2006


Holidays suck. All the rushing around, buying stuff for people you don't like, dorky decorations. I need to find somewhere where they don't celebrate any of this. Maybe Siberia. . . .