Monday, November 23, 2009

Angels Fall*

She was lying on the floor, letting the carpet melt into her skin, trying not to think about his face. Or his smile. Or his vioce. The music thudded around her, the bottles vibrating a little across the bar with each bass beat. A tear she couldn’t stop rolled down her cheek and before she knew it her eyes were wet. Her shoulders shook as she let the flood consumer her. Why couldn’t he see? She’d never done anything but love him. What was the crime in that? She might as well have been invisible to him. What was the point in running this race if you had no one to help you? What was the point? Her drunken mind clung to that question. She used it to drag herself off the floor and across the room to the sliding door. Out onto the balcony. She was 15 stories up. Usually she wouldn’t get a room so far up, but there hadn’t been any others available. She supposed now it came in handy. The cars far below scurried around like rats in a maze. She could imagine the people within them, wrapped in their safe little steel and plastic boxes, not thinking about anyone but themselves. Not knowing that far above them, someone else was losing grip.

She grabbed the railing of the balcony and pulled herself up, steadying her feet on the brick. The tears hadn’t stopped,making her cheeks slick and hot, and she had no intention of letting them stop. Her vision was blurring and the mascara running down her face was making her eyes burn. But none of it compared to her chest tearing in half. Each beat of her heart made her throat tighten and her skin tingle. It beat so strongly, and oh how she hated it. How she wanted it to cease it’s agonizing rhythm. She was so close now, the cool night breeze tousling her hair and calling her to fly with it.

She thought again of him, of his face and his wonderfulness. Then she thought of the people in their boxes, and how they would envy her in her freedom. She let go of the railing. If only they knew how it felt to fall.

*I would like to say, this in no way reflects my current thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Inspiration hit, and this is what I got, so don't worry! Just an exercise in creativity =]

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Drive My Soul

Today, I decided to take a walk around my yard. It's a tad cold out, for October, but I felt the need to exercise those stumps I call legs.
As I walked, and drank my delicious tea, I started to think about human beings. We are such fascinating creatures, as a species, but as individuals we are even more so. If you stop to think about it, every single person on this planet is on a different path than you. There is no one out there who likes every singly thing you like, no one who has done exactly the same things you have done. But all these paths we take are winding and colliding and connecting all the time. Every person that you meet or speak to has had their own path changed because of you. These people who try so hard to be "original" and "unique" don't realize that they were born that way. Every living creature in existence is original and unique.
This was the line of thought I was on when I noticed some birds flittering about in the bushes. I stopped to watch them as they moved, and my thoughts took another turn: how intricate and detailed every organism is. The bird I was watching, a spunky little chickadee, was as complex as rocket science. Every little feather made up of little cells made up of more cells, all working together to form a shape that works with other shapes and pieces to make that little bird fly and live. It can make my head ache after a while, but it's an ache well-appreciated. I don't understand how people can look at all that, know all the things that science has explained to us, and not believe in God, in a higher power. There is such wonder in every little thing that lives, such complexity, it had to have been designed by the most careful and loving of hands.
All this thinking makes me feel so silly when I get wrapped up in myself and my problems. I shouldn't be so worried. There's a whole universe of worriers out there, though, all doing the same thing as me: running along, trying to get where they think they need to be, not stopping to realize that this life is the only one they're given. I think we should all stop, at least once in a while, and think about how big and amazing this planet is, this universe is, and be grateful that God gave us the life we live. For after all, isn't it life itself that drives the soul?

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Real Life: So It Begins

Goodness, I haven't posted in ages! I feel like I've been neglecting a pet. Well, much has changed for me in the past few months: got a job, quit a job, started college, realized I hate it. That's essentially where I am now.
I started college with the best intentions and high hopes. Now here I am, completely miserable and ready to give up entirely. It's been nothing but a nightmare for me since week 1. I think the biggest problem is the program I am in: graphic designer, I am not. I can't live with all these measurements and lines and angles. It's too ordered, too perfect. I need a little chaos in my life. I've discovered that I live on it, it's a huge part of me. There's no point in trying to make everything perfect, it's obviously not going to happen, so why not learn to love the imperfections? Isn't that what makes us all human, all different?
I've been trying to decide what to change my major to, and I've so far come up with film studies or creative writing. Good options, no doubt, but I have another problem: I hate it here. I hate the towns, I hate the land, I hate the cars, I hate the dirt, I hate most of the people's rotten attitudes towards one another, I hate the small-mindedness of it all. It makes me so angry I could scream. I just want out!
So now I come to the fork in the road: do I stay and make my life in this little podunk nothing of a place? or do I run for it and fly as far as my wings will take me? I think I already know my own answer. Now I just need to get my feathers in order.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Welcome to Summer

Well, it's official: summer is here. And want to know how we can tell this? The return of the dreaded main-stream broadcast reality show. You know what I'm talking about. Those reality shows designed to just draw people in with ridiculous amounts of emotion and stupid stunts, not to mention stupid people. Shows that make you want to take up a hobby like building model ships out of toothpicks and handkerchiefs. Summer has arrived!
But don't worry, I'm here to guide you through the horribly dull waters of summertime TV.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking every single reality show. There are a few out there that pass my tests. One of my favorites is So You Think You Can Dance? The upside of this show: once you get past the bad auditions, there's no such thing as a really bad dance. All you get is professionalism that looks perfect to the average American's untrained eye. The downside? Mary's annoying screeching and robotic laughing. I think anyone would agree that even Paula is better than that nightmare of teeth and noise.
There really aren't any other shows that I would recommend for summer viewing. Except reruns. But even those can get a bit frustrating.
I'm sure you will notice that I haven't touched upon any of the cable shows premiering for the summer. That is mostly because I don't have cable. Duh.
Fox has premiered a new prime time drama for the summer called Mental. I've seen one episode of the show and I already don't like it. Shows now are just too over involved. By the second episode there's so much going on with the characters that you practically need a guide to keep up. Not to mention that the first thing they try to do is force a ton of dramatic situations and intense emotional complications right away. What happened to starting out with one story line at a time and allowing them to evolve as the show progressed? I'll tell you what happened to that: people got bored with it in some shows, and so producers immediately assumed that that was the consensus of the general public. And this is why there have been more failed pilots in the last 2 seasons than we've seen in a long time.
Well really, there's not a whole lot of TV for your average non-cable owning American to look forward to this summer. My suggestion? Use your internet to your best advantage: catch up on the good shows you've been missing out on with some nice internet resources. Find out what's been happening on with Nancy on Weeds or what those crazy boys of Rescue Me have been up to. And if all else a book!

Monday, May 25, 2009

I'm Still Breathing...

Hello, people who don't read this!
I am, in fact, still alive, despite the rumors. I have been so incredibly busy in the last...oh 12 months or so, that I completely forgot that I even had a blog! Trust me that won't happen again (fingers crossed). Besides, I now have the option of mobile updates...I might be looking into that, but I don't think I would have enough space in my textbox!
Well, quite a bit has obviously happened in a year, but not anything particularly significant. I did come to a few realizations that I would like to point out, however.
Firstly, I am so incredibly sick of the pettiness that rules society, I'm about to just yell at everyone. Some of my friends have their own little group of people that I got sucked into somehow, and they just constantly find different reasons to fight with each other over nothing. I just want to smack them all and say, wake up and smell the logic!
The next realization is that nothing lasts forever, and there's no reason to cry about that. The end.
My third realization is more of an acknowledgment since I've already known about it for a while: I have to move. I have to get out of this little one-horse town and chase the crazy-ass dreams I've had since I was a kid. There's no getting around it, it has to happen. Because my previous realization brought around the fact that if I don't run now, I'll never get the chance again. I don't want to end up stuck somewhere and unhappy for the rest of my life because I didn't do what I needed to. I've only got one life to live and I'll be damned if I let anything get in my way.
I feel so much better now that I have that off my chest. For now, I will be staying put, but only to build the necessary transport into my future. It is going to be as temporary as I can make it. I will not put down any more emotional roots than I already have, and I won't be pulling the ones I've already created, because you always need that network of love to fall back on.
But believe me when I say this: I'm bustin loose, I'm leavin this place.