I'm Still Breathing...

Hello, people who don't read this!
I am, in fact, still alive, despite the rumors. I have been so incredibly busy in the last...oh 12 months or so, that I completely forgot that I even had a blog! Trust me that won't happen again (fingers crossed). Besides, I now have the option of mobile updates...I might be looking into that, but I don't think I would have enough space in my textbox!
Well, quite a bit has obviously happened in a year, but not anything particularly significant. I did come to a few realizations that I would like to point out, however.
Firstly, I am so incredibly sick of the pettiness that rules society, I'm about to just yell at everyone. Some of my friends have their own little group of people that I got sucked into somehow, and they just constantly find different reasons to fight with each other over nothing. I just want to smack them all and say, wake up and smell the logic!
The next realization is that nothing lasts forever, and there's no reason to cry about that. The end.
My third realization is more of an acknowledgment since I've already known about it for a while: I have to move. I have to get out of this little one-horse town and chase the crazy-ass dreams I've had since I was a kid. There's no getting around it, it has to happen. Because my previous realization brought around the fact that if I don't run now, I'll never get the chance again. I don't want to end up stuck somewhere and unhappy for the rest of my life because I didn't do what I needed to. I've only got one life to live and I'll be damned if I let anything get in my way.
I feel so much better now that I have that off my chest. For now, I will be staying put, but only to build the necessary transport into my future. It is going to be as temporary as I can make it. I will not put down any more emotional roots than I already have, and I won't be pulling the ones I've already created, because you always need that network of love to fall back on.
But believe me when I say this: I'm bustin loose, I'm leavin this place.

Update

Just so my reader knows, I've pretty much given up on finding love/romance/fooling around for the time being. Every time I get close or feel something, something happens to ruin it all. So I'm hopeless, for now. But someday my knight in shining whatever will come.

Life, Love, and the Turbulence Therein

Life can be a funny thing. Some times it's really great and you don't know how it got that way, but you love it anyhow. Other times, you're so confused and frustrated that you begin to wonder if there's any point to it all. But no matter what, you have to keep on living. Because the moment you give up on life is the moment that you betray yourself. I have come to learn this through so many not so wonderful experiences that can really break you down. But I've also learned that the key to surviving these experiences is to feel what you feel at that moment, in that time, and then just let it go and keep moving. That's really all you can do, because holding on to anger and hate and emotions of the like does nothing but give you a sour expression and constapation. Trust me, I've seen it.
There's another funny thing that goes along with life. It's called love. I don't know a whole lot about true or even fleeting love firsthand, but there is one love that I know plenty about. It's unrequited, or unreturned, love. That's the sucky kind. I've been there and done that. There are only three guys I've ever really fallen for. The first is one whom, I still believe to this day, was probably my best match. But right at the exact moment when I was going to drop my guard and bear all, he pulled out a dagger and unknowingly sliced my heart open: he told me he was in love with my friend. Ouch. They're still together, and if he ever by any slim chance decided to dump her and ask me out, I'd accept without question.
The second guy was an almost identical situation. I'd known him for a while, and had some strong feelings that I decided must be for him. I was thiiiiis close to once again expressing myself when he told me alll about this girl he really liked. Ouch for the second time. But, I later realized that us being an item wouldn't have worked so well. We were just too close as friends.
The third guy was actually more of a case of severe lust than love. He was amazing, gorgeous, sexy, the best-looking guy I'd ever seen in real life. We didn't talk a whole lot, but whenever we did, I'd get so nervous that I would just clam up and say almost nothing. Yay for me. However, I entertained thoughts of us dating, and it was a pleasant time for me, regardless of my lack of social charisma. That is, it was pleasant until I saw him making out with another girl. That was dream-crushing at it's finest. After a while, I decided that he and I wouldn't have worked out either. Such is life.
So now I'm wondering, was that it? Was that my 'three times the charm'?It's hard to tell what the rules are on the three times thing. Does it only count if you actually dated? Did you have to be engaged? Or is it very possibly just some stupid phrase that you should ignore? Who knows. One such as me can only hope that love has not yet given up on this quiet soul. For that indeed would be a tragedy of life.

Raindrop

Fallen star
Child of the night
Lover of the sky
Shard of broken hearts
Hiding tears
Blood scourer
Come, let me be free

Art, Redefined

I have come to the personal realization that whatever you do that you love is art.

I always considered myself an amateur artist, since I do my best to express myself through writing. I have dabbled in painting and drawing a bit, but I'm not as talented as I'd like to be, so I stick to writing. For the longest time I considered this to be true art, and that it was, indeed, the ONLY art. I was also under the impression that not everyone was artistic. How very very wrong I have been, for art is all around me, and everyone has the talent for it.

My mom loves to quilt. Now, given, this is basically already considered an art form. But when you sit down and look at all that she does, it's truly amazing. In the case of a hand-made quilt, every single stitch is laid out with such careful precision that it makes me antsy just watching. Those women who quilt are most nearly the most patient women in the world. Hats off to you.

My father, on the other hand, loves to hunt and fish. Now, silly me, I always thought that this was just some random little hobby. How wrong I was. When you sit down with someone like my dad, someone who really, truly knows and loves what he's talking about, you learn that fishing is, in fact, an art form. In it's own way, that is. I was talking with him tonight and somehow the conversation turned to fishing. He started out telling me what an idiot my cousin was, and in the process he let me in on some of the little tips he had learned. For example, a spoon that flops back and forth is less effective than the ones that spin when you reel. And don't worry if you didn't understand that, it's not common knowledge. My point is that to him, it's not just throwing the line and catching the fish. For him, it's all about figuring out what the fish like and don't like; finding out where they bed, what kind of weather they like, what lures are more effective and what times of day are better to go out. The effort that he puts into it astounds me.

It is because of this that I have come to realize that art is no longer confined to merely writing, painting, dancing, acting. Art has now reached across the world and become a universal word. Well, it has to me anyway. Art is no longer the aforementioned acts. Now it is simply what you love and what you do. Art is, essentially, you. It is your expression of your self.

Art is the soul.

No Air

There's a song by Jordin Sparks called 'No Air', and my favorite part of it goes like this:

But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air

If I had a dollar for every time I felt this way, I'd be able to pay my way to college, no sweat.
The fact is, I feel somewhat like I've lived half my life with no air. I consider myself to be a creative soul, someone who appreciates good writing and art, and living where I do, I feel very deprived of the latter. This area is devoid of most types of cultured living, and the majority of it's residents don't seem to mind. Except for this one.
I have that inexplicable desire to run away and live in a sleepy little hamlet in France, or go to New York and learn to appraise art. I want so much more than what I have here, but I don't know how to get it.
Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life. I know that, and I am extremely grateful for it, but when I look into the future, there is this frighteningly real image of me being 27, married to some guy, with 3 kids and no real life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, not at all, but I just don't want that for me. I want a chance to live my own life before I devote it to someone else.
But I also don't want to live my life alone. I've been alone for my whole life, in a way that most people aren't. I've never had that bond of brother- or sister-hood, never had that friend who was so close that they were practically a sibling. Hell, I've never even had a pet that close. I've found a few people now who are amazing at making me feel not alone (holla my hoho), but at the end of the day there's still that sickening, gnawing feeling that I will have to wake up tomorrow and face the world entirely alone. I'm ready for that to change.
I guess all that I'm saying here is that I'm feeling particularly trapped right now. I feel that I'm drowning in this place I've called home, but I'm so afraid to leave that I'm paralyzed. I have the life support, but I need to unplug it. I need to breathe.

Actors

I have just spent the last hour or so watching videos of Robin Williams, Matt Damon, and Angelina Jolie in interviews, and when I got on here I didn't really know what to talk about until I realized my subject had been rolling across my computer screen most of the day: actors.
I will first say that I love movies. The concept of taking an idea, a mental image and transforming it into real, live actions that can be shared with the world absolutely fascinates me. I also love actors, and would love to have their lives. I don't think people realize what a true actor is anymore. They see half-assed acting done by such disasters as Sylvester Stallone or Ashley Tisdale and think, "Wow! What a great actor!" simply because that is what society and media has told them to think. Meanwhile, true actors like Christian Bale, Kate Winslet, and Matt Damon recieve only hlaf or less of the recognition they truly deserve. The reason they are true actors is not a hard one to process or recognize: they make a role believable.
Christian Bale took on one of the biggest franchises in pop culture history: Batman. He took it on, conquered it, and somehow managed to show us Batman in an entirely new light. Before him, we all thought of Batman as a childhood superhero, a dude in a costume. But Bale took Batman and made him something more: he made him human. He got inside the mind and emotions of Bruce Wayne and created a human being, a man struggling with his past and trying to figure out what to do with his future. A man in love. A man who had to face impossible odds and overcome his own fears simply to realize what life was really about. In my opinion, Christian Bale should have taken home dozens of awards for this. But somehow, Batman Begins came and went, flying by sort of unnoticed by people in general. Shame, shame.
Then you have people like the cast of High School Musical, kids barely out of training bras and braces, and possessing very little true acting talent, who are hailed as great actors and are taken seriously by almost everyone. This sickens me. Those kids don't deserve that. They deserve to work for it, to put effort into it. Not to just have things handed to them on golden platters simply because they look good. The worst part of it is that esteemed people, actors and critics alike, who know the treachery that is being committed, give them pats on the back and indulge it without a word of criticism. They, who are in the position to stop or correct these errors, they decide to simply ignore them and keep moving on. How like the world we live in. Ignore the problem, that will make it disappear.
But it never does. For who has risen in the wake of the High School Musical tsunami? Yes, that's right, bubble gum pop Barbie doll Miley Cyrus. But we won't go there, that's a whole other entry.
In simple conclusion of this blog, I beg all who read it to take a second look at your favorite actor, take the time to learn about them and find out if they really are true actors. There are true actors out there, but they are hiding, diamonds in the rough, waiting to be found and shown to the world. One can only hope that they're discovered before Miley becomes president.

Belated Introduction

I was reading my cousin's brand-new blog today (Watch This Story Unfold, see side link) and I realized that I never really introduced myself(not that I actually believe people read this). My pseudonym is Nikki J., and since this blog is used primarily for my creative outlet, I thought it appropriate to use a false name and no others.
I won't disclose many other personal details about myself since I like to allow my readers an unbiased opinion about me. I will say that I have a very open mind, I'm willing to accept any and all as they are. I do my best not to form instant opinions about anything, and to not let physical appearances and images hinder my true view of something. I love books and writing, and I also have a true adoration for film and TV. I am fascinated by the idea of getting someone's mental images out of their head and onto a screen where everyone can see it. Film is truly an amazing form of art, and I think that it is often abused by people to simply make money. But I'm rambling here, back to business. More about me.
I'm generally a quiet person, although when in the right company, I have been know to lose it a bit. Only in the best sense of the phrase of course. I like to observe people and their habits, it helps me to better understand them. I am very reserved, but know that I am always willing to give opinion or advice, when asked. I try not to be one of those people who forces their opinions on everyone at the drop of a hat. Those kinds of people irritate me, as this is a very obnoxious and rude way to handle things.
I don't like a lot of gossip and drama. I like when people talk about things that matter to them rather than trivial stuff that will be forgotten in a day's time. People who make mountains out of molehills also irritate me.
I think that's pretty much it for now, if I think of something else I will certainly post it. If I have any readers, I hope you have gotten to know me a little better. And if I don't have any, then I am essentially talking to myself, a strangely comforting concept.

Five Minutes to Midnight

Well, it's not actually five minutes to midnight, but that's the song I'm listening to right now(by Boys Like Girls, they are amazering). I haven't been on here in forever, so a lot has happened. Nothing anyone wants to hear about, of course, so I'll just talk aimlessly about something completely pointless. Haha, just kidding. Lately I have become a music adventurer: I will listen to anything and everything. I have discovered some truely unique and enjoyable bands/artists, and I will give a small rundown and review of a few of them for your reading pleasure.

Ingrid Michaelson:
Fascinating artist, primarily indie, she has a soft voice but a quirky, interesting rhythm to most of her songs. She seems to be almost a blend of A Fine Frenzy and Fiest, having that lullaby-esque tone like Fiest but the heartfelt lyrics and piano of AFF.

The Weepies:
Also an indie group, very good. They have a gentle almost innocent quality to their music, focusing on gentle lyrics backed up by soothing instruments all tied in with lilting voices that seem to draw you in saying, "It's ok to be a kid again."

Yael Naim:
You're probably familiar with her song New Soul, which has been featured on the commercials for the Macbook Air. She has a very interesting voice, not particularly strong but with just enough of an accent to make it interesting. Her music is something akin to AFF but with more prominent guitar than piano. I will confess, I've only sampled a few of her songs, but I'm planning to get ahold of some more.

Minnie Driver:
A big surprise, a very appealing actress/singer. She has a very deep quality to her voice, and her lyrics are wonderfully poetic. If you are to check out any of her songs, let it be Beloved. Certainly one of her strongest.

Joss Stone:
The first time I heard her, I wasn't too impressed or excited. Then, when I went back and listened again, I came to thoroughly enjoy her deep, strong voice and wonderful bluesy quality. She is an artist I would categorize as a contemporary classic: she is definitely up to today's standards in more than one way, but her lyrics and style have a classic, jazzy feel to them that make you want to sing in the shower.

30 Seconds to Mars:
Yet another story of actor-turned-singer. But this one has a happy ending. Jared Leto on lead vocals has an amazing talent to take the lyrics that would just be so-so by some other band and make them truly amazing. His strong voice makes your soul fly and your throat tighten. The lyrics, under his strong control, cease being merely song and become true poetry. A very underrated band.

Boys Like Girls:
Also an underrated band, but I think their talent is slowly being realized. The composition of their lyrics combined with the instruments and strong lead singer make almost every song they sing perfect. My favorites so far: Thunder and their Frou Frou cover, Let Go. Definitely a band worth buying the cd for.

Well, that's as many bands/singers as I have the energy to review for now, I hope you found it helpful. I plan to update more often since I actually have some things to write about now, so expect more mindless drivel coming soon! Ta-ta!

Summer "Activities'

Ah, how time flies when you're having fun! Or some other nonsense like that. So far, summer has been busy, but uneventful. Constantly running here and there, to and fro, but never really DOING anything. Today was no exception. After shopping with my mother and my best friend, I came home to that most horrid of tasks, second only to dish-washing: mowing the jungle, er, lawn. Now before I proceed to tell you of my wonderfully boring chore, let me explain something about my lawn: it is the size of a foot ball field, and as bumpy and uneven as a box of potatoes. I would just love to have one of those postage-stamp-sized lawns that you can finish in 12 minutes with a push mower. But no, my lawn is the most horrendous, gnarly, giant lawn imaginable. And as if that weren't enough, there are trees everywhere. Not cute, little trees with spindly branches that stretch towards the sky and beg children to climb them, oh no. These are tall, ghastly trees of pine with branches that stoop to the ground and reach for you like a thousand prickly tentacles. Nasty things, they are. So I get on the mower today and begin my wonderful obstacle course with the brightest of hopes(sort of). At first, all seems to go well. I start with the front lawn and it is not quite as horrible as usual. Until. As I finish with the septic area and cruise happily towards the elms, I am suddenly disrupted by the attempt of some creature to jar my teeth out of my very skull. I look about, shocked, and it takes me a moment to realize that some bonehead has made humongous ruts in our front yard, deep enough to swallow a child, but thankfully not wide enough. And so, each time as I go over these trenches, I am thrown to and fro in my driver's seat, my head flopping like a rag doll on a roller-coaster. Once this torture is over, I move on to the back yard, another nightmare. There are ruts in the back yard as well, and low-hanging apple trees that attempt to snatch you bald as you drive beneath them. But there are a few changes to it this year: The old fire pit has been effectively removed, some bonehead has placed a camper in the middle of everything, and another bonehead has parked their truck directly in the path of my mowing course. Needless to say, I had to make many adjustments to my usually direct shoot. When I was finally finished, I took great pleasure in being crabby to everyone, and sitting in front of the TV, eating my dinner and watching one of my many favorite programs, undisturbed. Now it is off to bed, and then to Ohio. Farewell, dear friends, and I shall attempt to remember to let you know if I come back with complete sanity, or, God help me, a restraining order. Ta-ta!

The Voice

Like rich velvet
Soft beneath my feet
Like pure honey
Golden, sickly sweet
The words pour out
Fresh like water.
The gentle tone,
Never does it falter
I must succumb
To lush desire
Or ever will it consume me
Burning like fire. . .

~Amber L. Haskill

Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

Oh my living!
Why must it take an act of Congress to recover a password? That, dear reader(possibly plural), is why I have not posted anything lately. I got on today, with the best of intentions, and typed and re-typed my username and password, again and again. Still, the stubborn cyber world of blogging refused to open it's doors to me. It re-directed me to several out-of-the-way and pointless sites in order to retrieve my information. And so it is, after some countless phrases and choice words which I will not repeat here, that I am finally able to let you know that I wrote down both my username and password, and I also remembered to check the convenient little "Remember Me" box whilst signing in. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!

Blisters

I don't know if anyone ever reads this, but I'm going to share a little lesson I've learned.
I went rollerblading today for the first time in who knows how long, and it was a very enjoyable time. Unfortunately, my feet are sissies, and I got 2 perfectly positioned blisters. I was complaining about them for a while, and then when I was in the shower(my thinking place), I realized that these blisters were more than just physical hinderances. They represented something more, suddenly. You see, although they were of the physical type, they made me realize that they could be emotional and mental as well.
If you go rollerblading for the first time in a loong time, like I did, you will probably get blisters. In life, if you do something for the first time in a long time and fail or get tired, you'll probably get blisters too. Not the bubbly, nasty kind, but the kind that form a little(or big) pocket of hurt on your heart. Sounds bad, huh? Well, there is good news: it goes away. Physical blisters disappear quickly, usually, but sometimes they leave a scar. Emotional blisters disappear in their own sweet time, and they almost always leave a scar, whether it be being cautious in love or always checking to see if your dress is caught in your underwear before you leave the bathroom. It's just part if the things we learn in life. And although everyone wants to avoid the blisters, I think that once they go through it, they appreciate what it teaches them. Just be careful you take it the right way. Don't be afraid of what you've learned, embrace it and use it, or you'll get more blisters in the same place! I've had my fair share of blisters, and I'm not looking forward to the ones to come, but I am looking forward to the wise scar they will leave behind.
So if you have a blister, may it heal quickly, and if you don't have one, you'll get one soon(sorry!). But in the best sense, I hope that every blister you get leaves you with a good sized good-kind of scar.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy new year to you all!! Best wishes for the coming trials and tribulations. And a bottle of Advil for your headache/hangover. Enjoy!!

The Incident In The Bookstore

Well, today was quite interesting.
My cousin, mother, aunt, and myself all took a trip to our local bookstore in hopes of finding something tempting to our imaginations. We were successful, but we had an incident along the way. My cousin, Stacy, and I were standing in a bargain books section, giggling over one of those toilet trivia books. A man standing nearby overheard us and commented on the fact that people in France have unisex bathrooms. We smiled politely and nodded. He proceeded to tell us further about unisex bathrooms around the world, then introduced himself as Kevin. Kevin the mentioned that he had once been to New York and had seen a woman in the men's bathroom. Not much of an incident so far, hmm? Well, it gets wonderfully twisted now. Kevin then suggested that Stacy use a men's bathroom sometime, just to "liberate" herself or something like that. She smiled, and said, "I'll have to do that." Kevin grinned and nodded, "Hey, you could even use the bathroom here! Just make sure you tell me first so I can see it." He swept a lingering look over Stacy, the kind that said he was mentally undressing her. I nearly whacked him in the crotch for that one. Then he ran the same look over me. I almost screamed, kicked, and ran for that, but proper upbringing(darn you!) held me back. Stacy just laughed. He said it a few more times then moved away. Stacy looked at me and said, "Hey, where was that book you were looking for?" I fumbled a bit: "Uhm, I don't remember, but I think it was this way." As soon as we were out of Kevin's sight, we practically ran to the back of the store and hid in the romance section, all the while discussing how creepy this whole thing was. We were glancing through some of the books when suddenly Kevin appeared again! We were really freaked by this time, and Stacy once again used her nack for tact: " So where was that book?" I didn't falter this time. I moved away, to the opposite end of the row as Kevin. "Uhm, I can't remember, but I think it was this way." We were out of his sight once more, and we headed for the coffee area this time. We found our mothers but told them nothing of our situation. We merely purchased some coffee and sat at a table behind them. We were undisturbed for a few seconds, but then Stacy spotted Kevin walking past. For the next 15 minutes Stacy watched as Kevin moved about, selecting stationary spots where he was out of the way, but could still see us. After a while, Stacy and I were officially frightened. We told our mothers what was going on, then went to make our purchases with Stacy's pepper spray close at hand in her pocket. Kevin passed by us one last time as we were checking out, and then we were gone and free of him.
I hope you go to prison, Kevin.

Post-Holiday Shopping

Ok, so you've heard many people complain about post-holiday shopping, and you've also heard lots of people who like it. You're just not sure what to think. Never fear, I am here to save you from lots of contemplating. I have the solution: go in the afternoon. Most people get up early to get all the stuff first, but I've found that you can go in the afternoon/evening and still get just about everything you want. Sure it looks like a hurricaine ripped through the Wal-Mart clearance aisle, but there's still quite a bit there. You just have to dig a bit. But trust me, the digging is worth the effort when everything goes back to regular price in 2 days. And hey, even if you get something and you don't use it, you most definitely know someone who can use it. This is just one of many of the Laws of Shopping we women learn over the years. You men don't have to do much. Just hand over the credit card, wait for us to come back, and maybe cry a little when you see all the bags. But don't worry honey: I got it at half price!!!!!!

The Way It Should Be

Life is not fair. It never has been. It probably never will be. But this is how it should be:
When you get up in the morning, there should be sunshine and birds chirping and all that crap.
You shouldn't ever have to change the batteries in anything.
People won't cut you off or flip you the bird when you get on the freeway.
Your boss should always give you a raise and tell you how good you're doing.
Your kids should discipline and feed themselves.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend will always love what you get them.
Your parents will never be mad at you because you just don't screw up that much.
Dieting should be outlawed.

Just how it should, could, would be. . .

Holidays

Holidays suck. All the rushing around, buying stuff for people you don't like, dorky decorations. I need to find somewhere where they don't celebrate any of this. Maybe Siberia. . . .

Love and Death

What time the mighty moon was gathering light
Love paced the thymy plots of Paradise,
And all about him roll'd his lustrous eyes;
When, turning round a cassia, full in view
Death, walking all alone beneath a yew,
And talking to himself, first met his sight:
"You must begone," said Death, "these walks are mine."
Love wept and spread his sheeny vans for flight;
Yet ere he parted said, "This hour is thine:
Thou art the shadow of life, and as the tree
Stands in the sun and shadows all beneath,
So in the light of great eternity
Life eminent creates the shade of death;
The shadow passeth when the tree shall fall,
But I shall reign forever over all."

~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Classmates

Classmates. The people you grow up with. The people you laugh at. The people you hang out with. The people you love to hate. There's always that one person you just can't stand. That one person who seems to be the thorn in everybody's side. Occasionally you feel a bit of sympathy for this person, but it never seems to last more than a second or two. The things they do? Oh, the things they do. Let's say that this person is a male. Let's call him Chad. Chad is not the smartest person, and you were at first more than willing to over look that. But Chad is constantly reminding you of this in those exact words. Then there's gym class. Chad would be a pleasant classmate if he didn't treat his fellow slaves as if they were linebackers on the opposing team. Chad often is running over them(please note: they have no padding) and hitting them, occasionally kicking them and often smacking up against them so that his excess of sweat rubs off on them. That would be the other and final thing about Chad. He has some issues with personal heigene. Note to Chad: soap is good. Soap is our friend. We love soap. And the washer can be used by someone without breasts. It's ok to do laundry. It actually attracts women when men do laundry. Or comb their hair. Or wear deoderant. Just a suggestion or two. Chad also has horrible pickup lines and needs to learn that you can't just ask a classmate out without a bit of sucking up. Let's face it, everyone has to play the suck-up at one point or another. Just another truth in the vicious circle of life. So, if Chad ever happens to read this, hopefully he will take this advice to heart. It just might make his existence a bit more bearable.